Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He literally asked permission to hit on me
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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