Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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