I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
