So drunk its hurt
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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