Need sex. Gaining weight.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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