no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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