You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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