ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish my penis had an off switch
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
