i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
