Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
