Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.