just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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