new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
