Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
