My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
