I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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