Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
