so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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