i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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