We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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