there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
