I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
