what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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