Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
