i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
how does that bad decision feel?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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