Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
