Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
