Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
