I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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