My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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