I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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