I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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