mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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