I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
