Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
