she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
