Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
