The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
