this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
