no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
