the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
