My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
