Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
