There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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