she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
