Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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