I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
