i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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