On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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