I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
