I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
