I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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