We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
