So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
