I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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